Dreams of a nihilist kind
Are boring at best, and its tough
To be a genius
In a world of ‘geniuses’.
The tiredness of my limbs is making me type these words.
The typing continues
As I wrap my fingers around my phone
As I dream awake at night
As I plan
Another day of new determinations.
A little fiber is more than enough
A litte cockroach
To give you a sense of existence.
My fingers are more than enough.
And a little fiber is more than enough
A little cockroach
To tell you that you are
A cockroach a fiber a deathless
Finger wriggling on the top of a table.
Dreams of a nihilist kind
In which a pistol a bomb a piece
Of fried leg a lullaby a song a dream
Wriggles like a little cut finger on a table.
They keep me awake.
And they call me a genius.
And they call me Hawking.
And I just want to ‘know’.
And they just want to dance
To my invisible jokes they don’t
Understand because, I am a genius.
(14/03/18, Palampur, On Hawking’s death)
It is an ocean full of poems I have,
My ocean in my mind.
Today the stars have spoken to me.
I am in love
All over again with stars and dreams
Like the stars hanging over a darkened tree have once again begun to breath.
I fear their breathing.
I fear their life.
I fear living so full that another day
I might stop living all over again.
I know it is a trap.
In between the navel of the branches of the tree
Is a wholesome little
And I am staring at it
And I am staring at it.
And I am breathing cold warm air of memories un-lived..
Some people in an organization survive (they are unable to flourish because they are always busy in ‘just’ surviving) because they are good at pointing errors of others. This is a useful function only in one case when they are “really” working and adding to the organization. A man can point fingers at other only when he himself has fingers. Those who don’t really work have the following properties:
1. They are very concerned about who is working what, and what others are up to. They are always talking with the heads about others’ ‘lack of’ performances. Criticizing is good, but they never praise others. This is the key point of distinction.
2. They make a big show of whatever ‘small/big’ contribution they are making.
3. They waste more resources of the organization than they need to because they think (they really believe) that they are working! They deserve everything they have, and they actually have less than they deserve in their opinion.
4. They take credit for things that others have done, because they are aware of their lack of potential. They use big words very easily and they know what to say when.
5. They always appear busy.
6. They spread rumors about others and make a big fuss about a certain individual’s weaknesses they are attacking.
7. Most importantly: they do nothing, because they seem to be doing everything. They do everything which actually means nothing. They are the head of the organization and the peon and the accountant and manager, and caretaker of building and sweeper and mechanic, they are everywhere and they are nowhere. That’s why they are friends with everyone.
8. And yet they do nothing, they do these different things only in the presence of the head, rest of the time they are lounging with a crease of tension on their foreheads which to others appear as if they are great philosophers and poets, but in actuality they are planning which dice to throw next.
9. Any organization which keeps such individuals for long with it is going to die, because
– others look at them and do not feel like working.
– such individuals create an atmosphere of negativity, breed tensions and its leads to a lack of coordination
– I like to call such individuals ‘fattebaaz’.
– Everyone dislikes a fattebaaz. But no one wants to confront him, because (since they spend all of their time in plotting and planning) anyone who confronts him is bound to suffer. No one wants to confront him also because most of us love peace.
10. If a fattebaaz is not taken care of, then everyone ends up becoming a fattebaaz in the long run.
1. It is a very topical issue. Not many people go through it.
2. The narrative is very personal. Maybe, it applies to me only.
3. I have a political interest in making it public.
4. Can parents know what is right for their child, if they have no idea who their child is? My parents have no idea who I am. As soon as they come to know an aspect of mine, that aspect gets spoiled beyond repair. That is why I have always been secretive to them, and it is now a habit in front of everyone.
5. Do parents have a right to impose their will on their children? If someone tells me they brought me up… and did sacrifices for me, I want to ask: “Did they do it for me?” I have never seen a parent doing something for her child. Everything she does is for herself… to satiate that very passionate (and mind it, sexual/biological) drive of keeping a specie alive. Parenthood is not gender. It does not come from gender. It is purely biological. I have an over protective biological father. I carry a lot of genes from him, so I already know I am going to be an over protective father.
6. My concern for my parents is not there because they are my parents. But because they have been around me a lot. A child’s love for her parents is not biological. It is social and individual. But I don’t love my parents, I just care for them. They are good people, but they have done me bad, and I don’t love them for it. My love was killed by their actions by many incidents that no one will ever know because I want to respect their privacy. I am unable to feel love for them. Simple. Can someone convince me against it with arguments? NO.
7. An overprotective father who meddles too much in your life is not worthy of being called a father. Only ‘biological father’. I do not want to marry ever. It is my choice taken after a lot of consideration and thought. Can someone convince me that I should listen to my parents and do it?
8. I have no ideological or moral issues against marriage. I just don’t want to do it. Can someone convince me? NO. Perhaps a girl who loves me so much that… I am forced by her love to marry her… No one else… And she will have to understand that she can’t expect me feel love for my parents. And anything they say about me will mean nothing, because they have no idea who I am. And it had always been like that.
9. Am I wrong? Perhaps. But can’t I be wrong?
The shapes these clouds of mountains make
And the shapes the hearts
Of people in love
With me and I am in love with
(1800, kangra, 24/02/18 enroute Delhi)